There were 2 things I looked forward to doing with my mom as a little girl. Wedding planning and spending the first few months after I give birth–with my mom. But once she passed away my chances for that were suddenly gone.
I just knew the tears in her eyes would let me know which dress I should pick. I knew she’d be able to pick out things that “looked like me” like she always had. Somehow she found clothes that didn’t just fit my body…they fit my heart. It’s something I’ve observed only a mom do.
There were a few things I didn’t expect to sting. Like moving to a new place and having people ask me where my parents live. Because it’s ‘normal’ for people to have both parents I guess. Or asking me about how my mom’s birth experience was with me compared to the birth of my son. I didn’t expect to be crying while writing this…yet here we are.
There are so many things I don’t have the words to articulate but if she were here she’d understand. She’d have the grace to let me explore the consequences of my own choices and the wisdom to help me avoid pitfalls I can’t see coming. She wouldn’t mind carrying the load I frequently stumble beneath the weight of as a mom, wife, friend, daughter of God, leader, and entrepreneur.
I can recall almost every time I thought of her while I was away at school or on a trip, she would call or text me.
I have yet to discover how to navigate life effectively on my own as a woman. I’m grateful that when I can go no further, I can collapse onto the wings of the angels God assigned to guard my life. He refreshes me daily so I can gather the strength to accomplish tasks each day.
I often feel I am missing out on so much. Especially in this season where I can draw from all that she was to me and to others. I see so much of her personality in me–like in the way if my phone rings it’s likely someone who needs my help or prayer. It was the same way with her. She touched people I’ve never met from all over the world. What a brilliant life to lead.
I can only pray she’s proud and that she’s praying for me. I have yet to feel that I can make it but I am glad to serve the one true living God who never fails. I have her to thank for the way I’ve learned to worship Him with my life.